We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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