omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
everyone is single if you try hard enough
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
