yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
