I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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