A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
