He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
