broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
