so explain again why im purple
no
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
