I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
