I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
