she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
