I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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