Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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