We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
