The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
