we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
