I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
