y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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