Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
