I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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