dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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