And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
