I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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