Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
