yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
