If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
