if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
