Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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