You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
