Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
