good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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