bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
