he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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