Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize