why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
