Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
