You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
