im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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