mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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