I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
