scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
This is my gift to your gina
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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