she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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