I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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