Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
