She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
