So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
