i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
