he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize