The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
