I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well I just put wine in my tea
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
