Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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