I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
