So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Who died my cat blue again?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
