Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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