He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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