It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
