It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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